I’ve realized something. It’s in all of the peaceful moments of my life and during all the times I’m perfectly content that I have the most difficult time writing. When I’m feeling average emotionally I have to dig for words and art doesn’t come so naturally. So I am challenging myself to invite all my “Crazy” up to the surface for all the world to see.
Hi, I’m Aislinn and I have a little bit of insanity in my blood and if you’re human, you definitely do as well.
Two nights ago I was rolling back and forth attempting at being comfortable in my bed as the heat drained the last remaining particles of energy from my brain and a sense of panic overcame my body, my heart, my mind. My heart began to beat so loud I swear anyone could have heard it, my breath became short and tense and I felt my eyes well up with tears. I was on the verge of a panic attack due to my own self-analyzation of my life.
What the f am I doing on this island?
I chase creativity, passion and adventure at turbo speed. And then when I’m in the middle of it I question if it will ever be enough. Am I insatiable? Can I ever just fully let go into an experience or do I have to question it all? I am picking apart this very phenomenon as I’m typing right now… obviously.
I am in Panama but where will I be next? Will I have enough money to do what I want to do? Will I be happy? Will I ever get married on a path like this? Do I even like romantic relationships? Will my friends forget about me? What’s next on my bucket list because I’ve lived this many thousands of days and I may only have this many thousands of days left? Or maybe I only have one left! I’m twenty-four! My life is over a quarter of the way over!
Jeez Louise, Self. Calm the F down.
In the frenzy of my panic I hesitated mid-cry-hiccup and snapped out of it.
This is the juiciness of life! This is why I write! I create because of these moments of absolute emotion and breakdown and wasn’t I just talking about facing my darkness? Well here’s the fuel for the fire, for the art and for the sake of perhaps knowing that none of this even matters.
Why worry about where any of Life is taking me when I can feel the intensity of the moment right here and now?
That electrifying, hair-raising, warm, tickly feeling that pulses throughout my entire body when I’m full-heartedly passionate about something- that is motivation, that is the whip. You know what else is inspiring? Hitting rock bottom and letting tears flow down your cheeks and not caring anymore and feeling completely fed up with life. It’s empowering, sensual, extreme and dangerous. What are you going to do with all of that potential energy? Go to sleep?
No. You harness that energy and create. Whether you’re head over heels in love or wallowing in the pity pit, you’ve got an awful amount of beautiful potential stored in the intensity of those moments.
So that’s what I’m doing. It’s terrifying! It’s hard as hell! I know 100% that I will want to curl up in a ball of fear in the coming weeks. I am also 100% sure that I will feel ecstatically happy as I float in the waves off shore and bask in the glory of life. Extremes are potent. Embrace the potency and complexity and let go of answers or the need to do it all right.
In another one of my nervous episodes I exclaimed quite stubbornly that all I wanted was for my decisions to be clear. I wanted to know what I should do next, like a voice from the sky would whisper in my ear what steps to take next and magically my life would unfold in front of me. A friend of mine knew just how to push my buttons further by saying
“Well, good luck with that because that’s not how life works”.
The angry fire in my belly was fanned like no other, and I felt like I could have lit a match with the heat coming off of my chest. Of course I know that’s how life works. But what I was truly reacting to was that he said exactly what I knew, and how much more obvious could he have been. I was wishing he would have said what I wanted to hear, but instead, he told me what I needed to here.
Passion is scary because it allows you to feel so incredibly deep that it shatters your perspectives. We are raised in a society that bashes emotion and teaches us to bury our fire deep inside where it festers and breeds illness that relies upon drugs, pills, alcohol and food with little nutrition.
How would you feel if you acted purely out of passion? Out of your juicy unforgiving not-sorry to be yourself self? You would probably feel crazy because “crazy” is a label that we place on things that we are scared to admit are part of us. Everyone has a piece of the insanity pie. Passive aggressiveness, reliance upon substances, playing your guitar until your fingers bleed, loving your partner with every drop of blood in your heart, tattooing your skin, attending yoga class three times a day, eating eighteen oreos out of the bag, reading three entire books in one afternoon, skydiving, seeing all of the above and noticing that you’ve done every single one of those things. You are crazy! What’s even better is that there is no reason to apologize for it.
Embrace the insanity.
If that’s what makes you love harder, if you write more music because of it, if you spontaneously climb a mountain and yell at the top of your lungs for the pure enjoyment of being alive- then baby let it out and harness that spark because life’s short and we’re all crazy.
