“WHEN A WOMAN WRAPS HER ARMS AROUND HER DARK AS WELL AS HER LIGHT, SHE RETRIEVES THE FULL PALETTE OF HER POWER, THE FULL MAGNITUDE OF HER VOICE AND THE FULL THROTTLE OF HER GENIUS.” LIYANA SILVER
Every time I sit down to write I usually play an average of 5 songs, type out 8 different introductory sentences and then settle on honesty as I throw everything else out the window. Which is what that last sentence was. Since I can’t quite put what I’m feeling into words, I’m using the above quote to explain what I think I’m going through. There is SO MUCH LIGHT here. The environment, the people, the energy is incredibly light. But when there is so much light, there must be an accompanying darkness. There is SO MUCH DARKNESS here. And in here, I mean my mind, my fears, my attempts at figuring out my life feeling like I’m still mid-air after jumping off a cliff. It’s so easy to get thrown off balance with so many distractions; drinks over here, fried empanada over there, gluttonous binges here, lazy nap there. I’m challenging myself to maintain a balance of working hard, keeping up with web design, creating yoga sequences, and relaxing into nothing, etc. It’s the same marriage between right brain, left brain, my masculine and my feminine that existed back in Boulder. Of course it did. Because I existed in Boulder, and now I exist here and challenges do NOT go away when you move to a tropical island. I didn’t expect them to.
The universe has a way of surprising you even when you think you’ve learned what you were supposed to learn. There’s always something else that you’re missing and perhaps these surprises happen specifically in those moments where you become comfortable with the unknown. The universe is like “So you THINK you can expect the unexpected? Are you sure? Well let me toss this extra little test your direction and see how ya do…”
Alright, Universe. Ya got me. I am once again, trying so hard to surrender past the point of what I thought surrendering was…
I put an intention out there at the beginning of this trip to be completely open hearted; to let new experiences, tastes, relationships and places guide my way. Even then, I knew I had a little bit of an expectation about my journey. Even though I SAID and acted like I was going in open minded, I had subconsciously created little threads hanging on just barely out of past habits and fears.
But they are being snipped away one by one, day by day as I let faith take hold and guide my way through life. At this point you may have picked up on the fact that I believe in some sort of greater power, with a mixture of divinity that lies within all beings, nature, the energy of the universe and the natural rhythms of our world. Too many synchronistic things happen in life for it all to be random because if I truly analyze it, these are all stepping stones that lead to the next. Every single stone has been too obviously placed in my river of life to have just simply existed. I am here to learn certain things, you are here to learn your own and between all of our lessons as a collective, we are on our stepping stones in various rivers that all lead to the same vast ocean.
Life is terrifying and awesome and rad and hard and amazing and profound. I have no idea what my life will be like even next week. I am learning more and more about myself and I’m realizing that I love a structured plan within all my spontaneity. Even if it’s just going to be ditched later!
I have been eaten alive by mosquitos, hiked through the jungle in feet of mud, found bliss in skinny dipping among roaring waves, stumbled upon love in people who’ve blown my heart open, taught more yoga than I ever expected I would, have affirmed I can make a home anywhere, I don’t need a flushing toilet, or anything more than a drip shower. I haven’t written much about my adventures because it’s more about what I’ve experienced within those adventures. The opening of my heart, my barriers being healthily stretched, my curiosity peaking, my faith evolving.
I want my writing to be raw, profound and inspiring. The more I write, the more honesty will come spilling out but there are so many things that I’ve experienced that aren’t meant to be shared. They are my own moments of magic and I know we have all hopefully been able to savor those kinds of memories in knowing they are your very own.
There have been moments that I would have liked to seal up in a little mason jar full of glowing memories that I could carry around with me in my pocket and open up later in life. Looking back, I would open the jar and let the rainbow swirls of magic pour out of the jar and into the air and it would smell just like it did in that moment, taste just as it did on my tongue, all my senses enveloped in the mist surrounding me. I could open the jar an infinite amount and feel exactly how I did when I was first in that moment.
So many jar moments!
I want to wrap my arms up in all of my light and all of my darkness. I welcome it all.
Thank goodness I have an infinite amount of imaginary mason jars cause by the look of life.. I’m gonna need ’em.
<3
